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Jul. 16th, 2011

(no subject)

My fiance landed in the hospital with a BAL of .3

I've been told it is impressive I am still with him. Which is odd, because I never thought of calling it off. Sure, I've wished it wasn't happening. I've thought this wasn't what I signed up for with my young love. I've non idea how one is supposed to deal with the real and present danger of looming alcoholism. I love him. And while I've not promised through thick or thin, I'm in for the thick and the thin. Its not fun, currently. Its not easy. The pace and intensity of worry is making me ill. I am angry that I have to deal with it, nor did I ever imagine I might have to.

But here I am, worrying. Researching AA meetings and how talk about alcoholism. While everyone remarks my devotion is "impressive".

Jun. 15th, 2011

(no subject)

I am back here because,
the internet isn't really a safe place anymore.

Opinions fly with ferocity,
I loose my vocabulary.

I have become woman.

It is what I thought it would be.
Security, independence,
knowledge that my happiness is my responsibility,
my orgasms, finances, choices are my responsibility.

To lay them on someone else is the mark of childhood,
I have grasped them. Held them with ferocity,
defended my rights to them --

and created my own space.
Succeeded at every goal I laid before myself.

And the internet, as I claim responsibility,
has lost its anonymity.

Opinions are sometimes best kept behind ones tongue,
and while I am responsible for them,

I wish to speak and let them lie in the air,
uncontested and untended.

And so I am back here again.

Dec. 14th, 2009

(no subject)

They are only kisses, after all.

Once they seemed to be of insurmountable importance,
and now, now they come naturally, as though they are
the most normal and everyday things in the world.

But I remember, when the thought of them sent me spiraling
into a panic attack wondering about the technicalities
and I watched movie stars do it very carefully, to see
just how it was done exactly -- it never made sense.

Until they started coming naturally,
the most normal things in the world,

For they are only kisses, after all.

(no subject)

I need you to say it,
I need you to say it --
so the words bubble over
and slide across the foor

so they settle deep into the space
between the cells and atoms of my body
so that I can be submerged in it

So there is no doubt.

I need you to say it,
say it over and over again
so I can bathe in it,
drown peacefully in it.

I need you to say it.
Say it again.
Say it twelve times more.

I love you.
Say it again.

Dec. 13th, 2009

(no subject)

smooth movement
waves against the shore
wind in the willow branches
bodies rocking together

words escaping into air
little clouds of dedication
being inhaled, exhaled

together, on the narrow bed
arms and legs holding close
chest to chest, hips to hips
rocking together, soothing,
calming, promising

overtly sensual,
subconsciously sexual

an attempt, to pull ourselves
closer together.

Nov. 14th, 2009

(no subject)

I love him with a grin,
with overwhelming serenity
when his fingers graze my cheek
when kisses land atop my head

sitting, eyes connecting -- simply looking
wondering, reveling in a moment serene
while my heart beats away furiously
wondering what he's still looking at

and then the kisses come, delicate this time
around, somewhat less sexual, not asking
but showing, gentel and whimsical.

Kisses for the sake of kisses, and nothing else.

And I love him with a grin, with the silly ease and
inexplicable joy, with comfort and serenity.

Nov. 9th, 2009

I wish we could have loved idyllically

in the easy flow of love's current
the restful peace of partnership

but, I guess my life can never be so easy
that the good things in life must always
come with strife, trust is to be won
and then re-won, and re-established.

the tragic flaws, which follow along with essence
limit the scope of beauty and triumph

I wish we could have loved idyllically, but
 it seems that is not par-the-course

Nov. 8th, 2009

(no subject)

When does the crying stop? The despair?
I cannot do this, I just can't.

I need something, someone, I need this to stop.

I can't do it, I just can't.

I cannot sit in this bed, curl into a ball
 and continue to cry.
I can't fight for myself any longer.
I need someone to fight for me,
 I'm too tired, too broken, too insane
to help myself any more.

(no subject)

Its hard to let someone go. To know they were one there, right with you, the one person you would call when things got bad. My sin was that I didn't call. Instead, I caved upon myself when the world caved in upon me. When my pressurized cabin split beneath the pressure I wouldn't even ask for help. It didn't seem the natural recourse. What I learned before was that no one wants to be with the crazy person, we're too much pressure, too much work and not a lot of fun. I didn't want to put him through that, I just assumed he would leave at some point in the healing process -- and so I cut him loose before we got there, thinking it would be less painful. I may have judged too harshly, underestimated his patience. And now he's gone.

The person who always said "good morning" and "good night". Who listened to my rants about all the stupid shit in my life. Who believed I could get what I wanted. The one person I craved to be around, whose arms I wanted to wrap myself in daily, whose smile made the stars a little brighter and whose laugh held all the bad things at bay. It is this person who I have lost, my secret keeper and best friend. And now, I really feel as though I have no one. I am alone in my psychosis, everyone else sits in an orbit far away, and the man who stayed close by me is likely to want nothing to do with me.

We broke up, and I had a nervous breakdown

And I can't decide if I did the right thing. I'm back to being officially unsable, brought on by nasty roommates, school pressure and Accutane (which, I realize I probably shouldn't have started taking in the first place, because, obviously, this was going to happen).

Last week we had a conversation where I said I thought he loved me more than I loved him. It seemed to me that he thought everything I did was adorable and that he'd never get mad at me for anything. We talked it through and I realized a) I had a big head, and b) we were about even. Neither of us "in love" but loving each other.  But then I spent the whole week in a state of neuroticy because I kept thinking he was going to dump me at any time. His text messages were short and brief, there were several mornings where he didn't text me "goodmorning" or "goodnight" which had happened every day for six months. He didn't seem happy to talk to me or that he even wanted to. So I let him be, I didn't want to smother or overwhelm him.

And then on Friday I had a pretty serious nervous breakdown. My friend had to drive me home, I called my mother in a state of utter panic and bawled for half an hour on the phone. I've spent the last two days crying every two hours or so and yesterday, feeling like he didn't want to see me, I broke it off. And I can't decide if I did the right thing or not.

So many things in my life are goign to change in the next two months. If we could have talked it out where I felt secure with him again I think it would have really helped to have him with me, just there so I knew I wasn't alone.

But that is a big thing to ask someone to do. To be with you while you're psychotic. I'm hopeful that it won't take a year like it did last time. Once I get the Accutane out of my system and back on an anti-anxiety and out of the townhouse I hope I will be able to be more stable. And maybe then I can call him. I don't know. I just wish there was someone here to hold onto for a bit.

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